In memory....

Looking back last year this time both hubby and I were placed in a very difficult situation. We both had to decide if we want to continue or let go something very precious to us. It was a hardbreaking decision. Thanks goodness we are both surrounded by good devas (angels), families and friends.

It was bad enough for us having to scratch our head over the cause to my low PAPP-A. Funny enough no doctors who saw us could tell us what to expect besides (a) our baby being born down syndrome, patau syndrome or edward syndrome, (b) normal but underweight because our baby could not get enough food from my placenta. It was painful enough to go through the amneo test. I can never forget how the doctor took the fluid from my belly as if he wants to stab me with the needle. That was an absolute nightmare!

Funny enough the last doctor that I saw for post-natal told us there are 3 reasons to low PAPP-A. (1) baby born with either 3 of the syndrome mentioned above, (2) heart with holes, (3) underweight baby because the baby could not get enough food from mother's placenta. Seriously, it would have been a lot of help if we know the second probability exist. At least our heart wouldn't have shattered just like that. Its as if we had been robbed by the world greatest mafia. Imagine getting clearance letter from hospital a week prior to 3 specialist informing us our baby had severe heart problems! That was an absolute pain.

Thinking back, I have to say we are blessed to have an experienced sonographer attending to us on our second date (I was over 5 months pregnant when I had my second date because the appointment was full). It was her who discovered a small gap on our baby's heart. She was really kind to us. She didn't want to scare us in anyway. All she told us is that she wasn't sure and Bristol Hospital will have better machine to scan. We got an appointment right away with the fetal medicine unit at St Michael Hospital, Bristol. We saw three specialist and all three of them confirmed our baby had Tetralogy of Fallot. Its sad that Oxford lab lost my medical report, No doctors dare to ask us to keep our baby because they wasn't sure if has got to do with deletion of 22nd chromosome or genetic defect. Can you believe they fail to deliver the result even a week later (when we had the termination). Madness.

The most painful decision of course was us having to let him go. The other hard thing we had to go through is the process itself. I have to say the procedure was cruel but it has to be done. I have to even carry the baby for two days before delivering the baby naturally.

Of course at that point of time it was a great torture. To us its like so near yet so far kind of feeling. I was almost in my seven month. It's like "Why us???" "What have we done wrong"

I am blessed I have my hubby with me all the time. My mum and friend flew to UK just to be by my side. A year has passed... no doubt we lost our most precious child but we know he is at better place. He will always have a special place in our heart. 

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